I am not allowing myself to take compliments anymore.
Most of the time, when I “take” compliments, I only KINDA take the one that are referring to a completion of some task, and then most of the time they still zip right over my head because for some deep, illogical reason, I don’t feel as if I am worthy of the compliment.
It is a fleeting moment.
There is no depth.
When I am given compliments on who I am at the core, or the gifts I have been given as a human being, well then THOSE compliments go in one ear and out the other. As if I have physically put up a shield to block it. In some strange way I can almost SEE the shield going up.
UGH! it’s ridiculous. I am just blocking myself from joy, from warmth, from kindness, from love, from simple reminders of my blessings.
It’s no fukn wonder I say I feel so alone and unworthy sometimes.
Surrounded by so many, yet creating my own unworthy prison, perpetuating this feeling like I will never ever be “good enough.” Wrongfully cultivating a barren world within.
So, I am no longer going to take compliments, instead, I am going to receive them.
I am mindfully receiving, accepting and absorbing the joy, warmth, kindness, love & reminders that other souls want to share with me.
I am receiving them.
Most importantly I am allowing myself to receive compliments about my human beingness (that is so not a word, but it is right now) as opposed to just my human doingness (also, not a word.)
Last night a dear friend of mine said some beautiful words to me. I smiled, I listened, I received.
It was magnificent.